Sins, not Tragedies
by wingsandtragedies
Summary: Um. Stuff happens. Rated M for later chapters.
1. 1 Now I know that I can't make you stay

| Dedicated to Meg, my muse and inspiration, and Misa, who ships Phan- But just doesn't know it yet.

«Just...» Dan had already let his anger take over and Phil was simply waiting for the inevitable to happen. «Shut up! » With that, Dan stormed off into his room, slamming the door behind him as to sever himself from his friend, who would've otherwise followed him.  
Walking over to the bed, Dan let his anger wash over him, together with the thoughts that had flooded his mind.  
He sat down on the edge of the mattress, letting himself slide to the floor. Why had Phil had to say those things? And how had they crossed his mind in the first place?  
At this point, Dan wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel more angry or more confused.  
Although 'disappointed' was also a word he might have taken into consideration. For a split second he almost caught a glimpse of his younger self standing in front of him. _Oh, Dan, how could you be so naïve? _He cursed under his breath, noticing the glint his other self held in his brown eyes. _Did you really think you'd be together forever?  
_Dan shook his head fiercely, as a bitter taste crept into his mouth. He realized that thinking that way only showed he was little more than a boy; a boy starving for affection.  
His disorganized, frantic thoughts made their way into his mind again.  
For Phil to have come up with such a plan…He must have thought it over.  
Or maybe Dan had acted in such a way that had given Phil the wrong idea…The idea he wanted him gone.  
He pulled his knees up to his chest, setting his forehead against them in a quiet attempt to escape from the harsh reality.

A soft knock on the door interrupted his solitude and made him jerk his head upwards towards the noise. «I don't want to talk anymore. » He managed to say, desperately trying to keep his emotions out of his voice.  
He obviously hadn't done a very good job, because the handle moved anyway, followed immediately by the door being pushed open and Phil's head peeking in the room.  
«Can I come in? » He asked, but Dan knew he would, whatever answer he gave.  
Sure enough, it only took Phil a few moments of silence and a second later he was sitting next to Dan, on the floor. «Sorry…? » He said softly,, only to receive an annoyed grunt as an answer.  
He sighed as he thought back on how they'd even gotten into that situation. Phil had only wanted to make things easier for Dan, give him back his privacy. His life.  
After all, Phil was older and felt like he had to be responsible for his friend; he was the one who had to make the difficult choices and this was one of them.  
«Dan… » Phil started, touching Dan's knee softly with his hand. «Please don't be this way. »  
He was trying to sound reasonable, but he knew straight away it would be hard with Dan acting the way he was.  
The younger one lifted his gaze to meet his friend's. «You can't suggest something like that and just expect me to be happy about it! » He replied accusingly, before standing up to rid himself of his friend's touch on his knee. It burned…It burned so much. Almost more than Phil's words had.  
«No, not happy… » Phil conceded, imitating the other and standing up, all the while resisting the urge to lay a hand on his shoulder.  
«What, then? » Dan's voice lashed out as he balled his hands into tight fists. «Don't tell me you were expecting me to just accept it. »  
Phil's gaze lowered at that, not able to find a suitable comeback. No, he hadn't expected Dan to just accept it, but he had hoped he would. «It would be better. » He muttered, timidly meeting his friend's gaze.  
Dan shook his head, while he battled against his temper. «You, leaving? How would that make anything better? »  
A moment of silence took over right after, while Phil's blue eyes met the warm brown ones. «I'm messing up your life. »  
His voice was soft, meant to be a gentle explanation for what he had suggested in the first place; that each of them went their separate ways.  
Dan, however, wasn't soothed by the tone Phil had used: his expression was one Phil had never expected to see.  
It was as if the turmoil inside him had finally spilled out in his deep brown eyes, along with his aversion to the words the other had spoken. Without another word, Dan stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door and leaving his bewildered companion behind.

Despite his trying to convince himself that Dan would return shortly, Phil knew deep inside that this was no passing, shallow phase. The brown-haired boy had reacted in such a way that it seemed as if Phil had touched an extremely sore spot.  
He was confused, really, as to what might've set his friend off; he had only wanted to make things easier for Dan by eliminating his presence in his already complicated life.  
Sure, it wouldn't have made Phil any happier, but sacrifice for what was best was what friends were all about, right?

Dan wasn't back that evening. Nor was he back the evening after that.  
The worry which had started to grow in Phil from the moment Dan had slammed the door got deeper, until something dangerously similar to desperation took over.  
More than once Phil found himself holding his phone, ready to dial Dan's or any other friend's number. The realization that Dan didn't want to be found, however, stopped him from following through.  
He just would've had to wait this one out, patiently awaiting his friend's return.  
Phil tried to go about his usual business, but nothing seemed to bring him the same satisfaction without Dan around.  
The apartment started to become eerily empty, more and more every day.  
Loneliness had begun to settle in when Phil realized he couldn't even bear spending a week without his best friend. How could he possibly face a lifetime?  
He planned on apologizing to Dan as soon as he came back- he _had _to come back sooner or later- and Phil repeated the words he'd say every day, hoping he would remember them when the time came.

By the time two weeks had passed, Phil started losing faith again. Maybe Dan had taking his time to think everything over and had finally embraced Phil's suggestion. But even that option didn't make any sense, because everything Dan owned was still in the apartment with Phil.  
A new day was born, but the Sun's rays, that had cheered Phil up so much in the past, now brought no solace: the 26-year-old got up as usual, but his smile was nowhere to be seen.  
Dan had taken that small, important feature with him when he had slammed the door behind him.  
Phil opened the fridge, letting his gaze wander over the food inside, but not really seeing it. He stood like that for a while, shutting down his mind. He needed the peace and silence more than he had imagined and was grateful for that temporary darkness. _  
_


	2. 2 Honey, if you stay you'll be forgiven

Those fourteen days had been no less difficult for Dan. In the beginning, he'd let his anger and frustration take over. He had taken various options into consideration, the first being asking a friend for hospitality.  
However, once Dan's more rational, reasonable side had taken over, he had realized a friend wouldn't have done.  
He'd had no desire to explain why he was taking a break from Phil, or to give some kind of reason for his fowl mood and irritability.  
Finally, after having regained some sense, he had opted for his parent's house.  
He had realized they would have been away for a while and that he still had the key to the front door.  
Although Dan had had no idea as to how long he would've wanted to keep his distance from Phil, he'd realized he would have had all the time in the world to think of an explanation for his parents, once they'd come home.  
And so the days had passed for Dan as well; miserably, mostly, as he thought back on Phil's words.  
_I'm messing up your life. _The words had spun round and round in Dan's head, leaving no room for anything else.  
The silence of his cell-phone had made the situation that much worse; hadn't Phil been even remotely worried? Hadn't he cared if Dan was alive or dead? Hadn't he cared _at all_?  
These had been the thoughts that had tormented Dan to the point where he had decided to go back.  
The silence had become unbearable and so had the loneliness.  
So, exactly two weeks later, there he was: standing in front of the door and wondering if he really would be able to face Phil after all.  
After a while, he decided that the time had finally come to put his thoughts aside and face the truth.  
Having fished the key out of his pocket, he stuck it forcefully in the lock, turned it and opened the door.  
In no way was he prepared for the scene which greeted him with brutal simplicity.  
Phil had turned, at the sound of the door being opened, and stood there staring at Dan with a pitiful, almost crazed expression on his face.  
Dan could tell his friend hadn't been eating nearly enough by the way his pajamas sagged on the body which had already been lean to begin with.  
As for the rest...Phil's dark hair was unkempt and fell in messy locks across his forehead and his eyes. His eyes...Dan thought he heard his heart crack as he took in the sight of his friend's eyes, which, from a brilliant blue, now seemed faded, dull and empty from lack of sleep.  
_He's been crying, _Dan thought, just before another terrible crack seemed to reach his ears.  
It was true: Phil _had _cried, but after a while he'd had no tears left, which had left him in a state of permanent hopelessness.  
«Phil, I...» Dan wasn't sure it had been his voice to break the silence until he saw a flicker of life flash across Phil's eyes. «I'm sorry. » He added, while he averted his gaze, not being able to sustain the pitiful sight of his friend merely standing there.  
«You're back. » The answer didn't sound like anything Phil would've said, nor did the accusing tone Dan picked out from those few words. That alone made Dan hurt even more.  
Guilt worked its way into his heart; Phil had only wanted to help and how had he repaid him?  
By abandoning him. Betraying him.  
«Yeah, I'm back. I can go, if you- »  
«No. » Phil's voice cut in, regaining a bit of the vitality it had lost. «No- » He repeated, softening his tone and slowly shaking his head. «Stay. Please, stay. »  
He moved his hair away from his eyes and then looked at Dan. He stared and said nothing else, although the relief he felt was obvious. Dan spoke once again, forcing his voice to sound strict, but failing miserably. «It's your fault, you know. »  
His friend just stared, tilting his head slightly to the side with a vaguely puzzled expression on his face.  
Dan stifled a sigh, before moving a bit closer to his friend and continuing. «You shouldn't have said that. » He awaited a response, frowning a little.  
Phil however, seemed lost, as if he could've fainted at any moment.  
Even his voice sounded weaker than usual as he muttered. «What did I say? »  
Dan had practiced that speech for so long, but the sight of his friend and the condition he was in was enough to kill the words even before they'd made it to his lips. «Phil, are you o- »  
Dan hadn't even been able to finish his sentence before Phil toppled over and managed to stay standing only by leaning against the fridge.  
«Jesus, Phil-! » The younger one muttered before rushing to his friend's aid.  
He was somehow able to drag and help Phil in bed, while he cursed under his breath, all the while wishing he'd never left.  
Once Phil had been tucked under the covers, Dan pondered on what his next move should be.  
He came to the conclusion that tea would be good for Phil...Whatever Phil was suffering from.  
So Dan left the bedroom to boil some water, even if he had no clue as to when Phil would wake up.


	3. 3 Let me be the one to save you

Phil's sleep was dark, dreamless and oddly soothing. After so much torment, he gladly accepted the opportunity to rest and make up for the sleepless hours spent worrying about Dan.  
_Dan…_He thought he'd dreamt of him. That he had finally come back.  
But as Phil slowly opened his eyes and awoke from his unexpected slumber, he shoved the thought away. A nice dream, but nothing else.  
He sighed and closed his eyes once more, setting his head against the pillow and letting the warm rays of the Sun wash over him.  
A distant clattering suddenly made its way into Phil's mind, tugging him back to reality. _Could it be that…  
_He silently pushed the covers back and got out of bed, quietly making his way into the kitchen. His breath caught in his throat the moment he saw Dan, who had his back to him and was facing the counter.  
He turned around holding a fuming mug in his hands, only to let out a yelp the moment he saw his friend standing quietly in the doorway. «Phil! »  
Dan's protest only made Phil smile. He was feeling better already and that extra sleep had been just what he'd needed to recover. «Hey, Dan. » Came the answer. Smooth, relaxed and rested.  
Dan just stood there, staring at his friend with a bewildered expression on his face, as he tried to process the information he had been presented with.  
Only when he realized the scalding mug burning his fingers did he turn and break the eye contact. Phil's eyes followed him nonetheless, taking in his every move and waiting for him to speak. Dan, however, stayed silent.  
«You shouldn't have left. » _You shouldn't have abandoned me. _Phil's voice sounded out, with a soft, accusing undertone, to which Dan immediately reacted, spinning around to face his friend.  
«And _you _shouldn't have got out of bed. » Was his snide remark, although the relief he felt from seeing his best friend up and about was obvious.  
Phil hung his head, almost ashamed. «If you could just tell me why- » He started, only to be almost immediately interrupted by Dan.  
«Because you're sick, that's why. » He muttered, trying to change the subject, but realizing right away that there was no hope for that.  
Phil merely shook his head and lowered his gaze. «I meant, why did you leave? »  
And right at that moment, the question Dan had been fearing and expecting since he'd gotten back, had been asked.  
«Because… » He really had no explanation- None that would seem plausible, anyway, or that could at least preserve his already tattered dignity. «Drink your tea. »  
He finished coldly, shoving the mug into his friend's hands and walking past him into the living room.  
Phil just stood there, staring at his friend's back once again through the vapor rising from the tea.  
Dan, meanwhile, had plopped down on the sofa, where he spent the time sulking and ready to avert his eyes if his friend had appeared in the kitchen doorway.  
The older boy, however, didn't move, aside from setting the mug down on the table.  
Dan's voice made Phil lift his gaze once again.  
«Don't ever say you're messing up my life… » He muttered, leaning against the wall. Phil looked on, waiting for him to continue.  
«Because my life is nothing without you. » Dan finished, his voice soft, while he fought against himself to keep his gaze on his friend's.  
And with that he was gone, before Phil could catch even a glimpse of the blush which reddened Dan's cheeks.  
However hard Phil tried to stay put, he couldn't possibly let his friend turn on his once again. Not after how much it had hurt the first time.  
He silently swore he would never let Dan leave again; not like this, at least, not without knowing if or when he'd be coming back.  
Phil himself wasn't sure what he was feeling as he hurried after Dan and, after taking his shoulder, forced him to turn around and face him. «Don't do that. » He whined, while a small smile played on his lips.  
Dan couldn't see it, unfortunately, as he stubbornly avoided Phil's gaze and crossed his arms across his chest. _Of course I had to go and make a fool of myself. _The thought of appearing weak in front of Phil bothered him and so did his previous words in the kitchen; it just felt wrong, so wrong.  
On the other hand, though, he had been honest and that was probably what was scaring him most; that the time spent away from Phil could've awakened something more crossed Dan's mind and that too added to his general unease.  
Phil, however, seemed perfectly relaxed, as if he knew he had everything under control.  
This bothered Dan even more and he shot an annoyed glance at his friend, about to ht him with some kind of remark.  
But he couldn't think of anything to say and, even if he had, he wasn't sure he would've been able to speak with Phil's bright eyes staring up at his.  
The older one broke the stillness first, reaching up and brushing Dan's chin with two fingers.  
He wasn't even sure what he was doing as he tilted Dan's head up, allowing him to see straight in his eyes, but he had missed him so much…  
Neither one drew back when their lips touched. Dan's crossed arms slid down along his hips, as he leaned in to receive the kiss.  
For some reason, it made everything better and left both wanting more and refusing to draw back.  
Uncertain, at first, as to what he should do, Phil slowly reached behind Dan's back and gently pulled him closer as both tongues explored the other's mouth greedily.  
In that moment, nothing existed apart from them and a soft fuzzy darkness surrounded them and gently pushed them to pursue what they had kept secret even from themselves.  
Once the kiss was broken, neither had the desire to pull away from the bliss which seemed to envelop them.  
They stood there, at the center of the living room, forehead against forehead, their eyes closed and deep breaths escaping their damp lips.  
Phil felt as though, if he let go, Dan would fade and vanish in thin air, so his hand stayed put against his friend's back, gently but possessively.


End file.
